Opening Day Genesis

Opening Day Genesis.
BY GLENN BIRKEMEIER

- - - -

In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it
was without form, and void. God separated the dirt
from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the
dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot
square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to
center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this
Fair Territory. All other territory, God then
declared, was Foul.

And God divided the players into two teams of nine
players each, under direction of a manager, to play
The Game on His field. God called some of these
players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a
Pitcher precisely 60 feet, 6 inches from a Hitter.
Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes
you're out at the ol' Ballgame.

And God granted jurisdiction of The Game to lesser
Gods, whom He called Umpires. God said the Umpires are
infallible, blessed with Heavenly authority, whose
judgment is not to be questioned under penalty of
expulsion from The Game. And God looked at his
creation and He was pleased. Then God created the
Infield Fly Rule to confuse nonbelievers.

And God said, Let there be light beer, and there was.
And, God said, let there be peanuts and hot dogs and
overpriced souvenirs and let there be frosty chocolate
malts with little wooden spoons that you can buy
nowhere else except at this Heaven, which God called a
Ballpark, and there was. God looked at His creation
and it was good.

And the Lord God formed, from the dust, a collection
of elite players in His own image. The Lord God then
breathed the breath of life into His creation. God
called this creation the National League.

And God said, It is not good for the National League
to be alone. The Lord God shall make it a mate. And
thus, while the National League slept, God took
several of its top players and created the American
League.

And God blessed The Game, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply. Put teams in every city with deserving fans,
God added, even if this occurs at the expense of
starting-pitching depth.

From time to time, God understood, The Game would be
corrupted by the Serpent. The Serpent was more cunning
than any other beast and he would take many wicked
forms: the Black Sox, segregation, the Designated
Hitter, the Reserve Clause, dead balls, juiced balls,
spit balls, corked bats, George Steinbrenner,
AstroTurf, the 1981 strike, collusion, lockouts, Pete
Rose, the 1994 strike, greenies, cocaine, HGH, Andro,
steroids, $20 parking, corporate mallparks, Scott
Boras, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig.

But, God said, the goodness in The Game shall always
prevail. As needed, the Lord shall bestow upon The
Game a Savior. And the Savior, like the Serpent, can
take many forms. The Savior shall remind Fans how
blessed The Game truly is. The Savior shall be called
by many names, including Cy, Matty, Honus, Big Train,
the Babe, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Lou Gehrig,
Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, Buck O'Neil, Hank
Greenberg, Red Barber, Harry Carey, Vin Scully, Jack
Buck, Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck, Roberto Clemente,
Ernie Banks, Hammerin' Hank, Cool Papa, Dizzy, Lefty,
Whitey, Stan the Man, Big Klu, the Say Hey Kid, Campy,
Duke, the Mick, the Splendid Splinter, the Gas House
Gang, the Big Red Machine, the Damn Yankees, Pudge
Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yaz, Pops, the Wizard of Oz,
Fernando, George Brett, Moonlight Graham, Roy Hobbs,
Wild Thing Vaughn, Bingo Long, the Ryan Express,
Donnie Baseball, Rickey, Eck, the Big Unit, the Cactus
League, Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn, Camden Yards,
Rotisserie Drafts, Web Gems, Derek Jeter, Dontrelle
Willis, Vlad Guerrero, and, from the Far East, Ichiro.
And, God guaranteed, there are many more to come.

God looked upon His creation and He was very pleased.
And God spoke, yelling, PLAY BALL!